Bipolar Disorder

A wise man once told me to keep the remote control of my feelings safe in my hands. No one should be able to control my emotions. But, really?!?!?! How can that be possible? We are all human and we interact with so many people. People, especially the ones close to us affect us, right? Isn't only then that you realise that they mean a lot to you?

The people you love probably deserve to hold the remote from time to time. Love in general. Your Family, Lover or God.

My Mom kissed me good night yesterday after I do not know how many years! It brought a smile to my face and I forgot my tummy ache for a while. I forgot that my Sis had just bugged me and the tiredness I felt on the way home from work. However, just that morning I had a fight with Mom. I was really angry and couldn't think straight. How is it that I can be so angry and then suddenly so happy with the same person? Do we forget what we felt such a short time ago?

Ah, yes...It gets even worse with your sweetheart. It is like the ebb and flow of the waves. One moment you feel pulled towards the person and want to do everything together. Then one misunderstanding leaves you frustrated and wanting to be nowhere near the person. Or maybe go real near and chop their head off [wicked laugh].

True, that it is temporary and in a short while you can't resist the pull once again :) Everything is fine once again and a smile shines bright on your face.

Are we all bipolar when it comes to love?

Release

I wandered along the ocean shore, was out for a quiet walk...
Time seems to stand still when all you can see is sand and water and rocks block the rest of the world from you.
Thoughts seem to grow on you in such times. Sprouting out of your head and trickling along your skin, sending shivers down your spine.

The ocean beckons me with it rhythmic ebb and flow. Hypnotized, I move towards it unable to stop myself though I know I should. Just shallow water I think. Just skimming thoughts that seem to draw me in. An inch more, maybe a yard.
NO...these are not who I am now. These belong in the past. Tide, do not draw me in! I'm scared.

I start to move away but golden swirls of fond memories pull me in. Although aware of the danger, I follow, unable to steer away. It is only once I am too far in that the tentacles of blue and grey wrap around me. Octopus with no mercy...HELP! What have I done? Why did I not watch out for the trap?

Squirming, "let me loose". "No" say them - ghosts of years past, "look and remember, feel and cry. No one will hear you". Trapped in the swarm of arms, suckers clinging tight leaving me breathless and gasping. All energy seeps away, I collapse and am helpless. Too tired to fight them any more. I weep silently and drown in misery.

A soft voice speaks up - Why must you consume yourself this way? Need to get out and breathe. Let go of the past, golden swirls and all. I struggle and start to swim. No idea where my efforts are leading me. Left and right I look. Keep moving, push away from the froth of the monster.

Up and Up I go, I see a hand, sweet and loving reaching out for me. I hold on for dear life and suddenly I am free. Warm arms wrap around me and I take the fresh ocean air in. Snuggle in the coziness. A determined prayer to never venture in forbidden waters again.

Crimson thoughts soon die away and true love will never fade.
The sun seems warm again, the sand soft under my feet and his smile shining down on me.

Present to Ashes, Past to Dust...

Sunday Sermon 11th Oct 2009

I am not really religious and I cannot say that I attend church every Sunday either. I beleive that it is more important that you lead a good moral life. Going to church is just something that helps us do that. It is not an essential towards the same.

However one thing is true - I prefer to go to church in India as opposed to the States. For me the whole meaning of going to church is to hear the sermon. It is only this part of the mass that tells you something more than what you can read on your own.

For the four years that I was in the States, it was a rare occurrence that I got to listen to something really meaningful. Something that made you ponder about it the whole day, made you want to live a better life, want to be proactive in doing good deeds.

Last Sunday I went to church with my Mom in Pune. I really liked the sermon and thought that I would share it here.

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There was a disciple who went up to his master and asked him, ''Master I always do my work honestly, I do not harm anyone, I follow all the ten commandments and I am honest. Will I go to heaven?'' The master was busy. He looked up and then ignoring the disciple he went on with his work.

The disciple got a bit upset and said, "Why do you ignore me? I asked you a question. I am honest and do my work well and do not harm anyone. Will I go to heaven?"

The master put his pen down and said, "If this chair and table, and this fan and that tree outside the window can go to heaven, why can't you?"

The disciple was sad and asked. "Why do you compare me with a table and chair?" To this the master replied, "The chair and table do not harm anyone, the fan follows all the adjustments you make to it and the tree honestly provides fruit every year. Hence by your logic, they will all go to heaven, so why not you?"

The teaching here was that we do not sin by deeds when we follow all the commandments laid down by God. However we sin by omission. Just doing the bare essential is not enough. We need to be proactive in doing good to others.

When we are laid to rest at the end of our lives, we should not have people at a loss of words at our eulogy. We do not want them to just say that we were honest and did no harm to anyone. We would want people to talk about and remember how we were good and did good to others.
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