Floating along

Sweet nothingness...I feel as I lie here
Just hazy thoughts floating around
I fall sweetly through silken clouds
A lazy smile lingers 'cause it's you I found

A kiss gentle and sweet, I could stay here forever
Sleep draws me in with the promise of more
Oh sweet nothingness
Help me last a few days...not a whole lot...just four

Here I am Lord

One of the most beautiful hymns I have heard
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Genesis 46:2
"And God spake unto Israel in the visions of the night,and said, Jacob, Jacob. And he said, Here am I."
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I, the Lord of sea and sky,
I have heard my people cry.
All who dwell in dark and sin,
My hand will save.

Chorus
Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I, who made the stars of night,
I will make their darkness bright.
Who will bear my light to them?
Whom shall I send?

Chorus

I, the Lord of snow and rain,
I have borne my people’s pain.
I have wept for love of them.
They turn away.

Chorus

I will break their hearts of stone,
Give them hearts for love alone.
I will speak my words to them.
Whom shall I send?

Chorus

I, the Lord of wind and flame,
I will send the poor and lame.
I will set a feast for them.
My hand will save.

Chorus

Finest bread I will provide,
'Til their hearts be satisfied.
I will give my life to them.
Whom shall I send?

Chorus

Blog or Diary

As I write in this blog I often wonder...what exactly do I want to put down here? I write as I think. But is that something for me to put out in front of the whole world? Maybe I should write in code and so only the right people will know what I mean.

Eventually I think a lot of blogs become like a daily dairy, but with not too many personal details. Or then the details are present, but cryptic. I had decided that I wouldn't write every thought that walks across my mind in here. Somehow that boundary seems a bit blurred now.

I feel like writing about the small things in my day to day life. I stop myself though. But then I want to write about how I made my Mom's day by telling her that I am glad to be back from the States because this way I get to talk and connect with her more often. And I want to write about how a 'koti' warmed my heart when work seemed to be pulling me down. Aren't these thoughts to be written to yourself in a little diary hidden away?

Do I have time for a daily dairy? I don't feel like writing everyday. People, places and events trigger the so called writer in me and that is when I feel like picking up a pen and letting it all flow.

Blog or Diary?
Maybe I should keep both.

Bipolar Disorder

A wise man once told me to keep the remote control of my feelings safe in my hands. No one should be able to control my emotions. But, really?!?!?! How can that be possible? We are all human and we interact with so many people. People, especially the ones close to us affect us, right? Isn't only then that you realise that they mean a lot to you?

The people you love probably deserve to hold the remote from time to time. Love in general. Your Family, Lover or God.

My Mom kissed me good night yesterday after I do not know how many years! It brought a smile to my face and I forgot my tummy ache for a while. I forgot that my Sis had just bugged me and the tiredness I felt on the way home from work. However, just that morning I had a fight with Mom. I was really angry and couldn't think straight. How is it that I can be so angry and then suddenly so happy with the same person? Do we forget what we felt such a short time ago?

Ah, yes...It gets even worse with your sweetheart. It is like the ebb and flow of the waves. One moment you feel pulled towards the person and want to do everything together. Then one misunderstanding leaves you frustrated and wanting to be nowhere near the person. Or maybe go real near and chop their head off [wicked laugh].

True, that it is temporary and in a short while you can't resist the pull once again :) Everything is fine once again and a smile shines bright on your face.

Are we all bipolar when it comes to love?

Disorientation

Sometimes I call and hear only an echo
Why are you not around when I need you near?
Staring at a blank wall wondering what is beyond
Why are you not around when I can't see clear?

What happened last night, I can't understand
Why are you not around when I can't think right?
Confusion surrounds me and I search for an answer
Why are you not around, is this a fight?

Release

I wandered along the ocean shore, was out for a quiet walk...
Time seems to stand still when all you can see is sand and water and rocks block the rest of the world from you.
Thoughts seem to grow on you in such times. Sprouting out of your head and trickling along your skin, sending shivers down your spine.

The ocean beckons me with it rhythmic ebb and flow. Hypnotized, I move towards it unable to stop myself though I know I should. Just shallow water I think. Just skimming thoughts that seem to draw me in. An inch more, maybe a yard.
NO...these are not who I am now. These belong in the past. Tide, do not draw me in! I'm scared.

I start to move away but golden swirls of fond memories pull me in. Although aware of the danger, I follow, unable to steer away. It is only once I am too far in that the tentacles of blue and grey wrap around me. Octopus with no mercy...HELP! What have I done? Why did I not watch out for the trap?

Squirming, "let me loose". "No" say them - ghosts of years past, "look and remember, feel and cry. No one will hear you". Trapped in the swarm of arms, suckers clinging tight leaving me breathless and gasping. All energy seeps away, I collapse and am helpless. Too tired to fight them any more. I weep silently and drown in misery.

A soft voice speaks up - Why must you consume yourself this way? Need to get out and breathe. Let go of the past, golden swirls and all. I struggle and start to swim. No idea where my efforts are leading me. Left and right I look. Keep moving, push away from the froth of the monster.

Up and Up I go, I see a hand, sweet and loving reaching out for me. I hold on for dear life and suddenly I am free. Warm arms wrap around me and I take the fresh ocean air in. Snuggle in the coziness. A determined prayer to never venture in forbidden waters again.

Crimson thoughts soon die away and true love will never fade.
The sun seems warm again, the sand soft under my feet and his smile shining down on me.

Present to Ashes, Past to Dust...

Heart To Heart

Don't fret the small things in life my sweet
A rose by any other name is still but a rose
Smell its sweetness, take in its beauty
Feel the warm silk flow over you in quiet repose

For life is about capturing the nuances of thought - yours and mine
Names, facts and figures shall soon fade into archived memory
But true feelings shall always withstand the shifting sands of time

Moments - A Response to Ash

Swirling through timeless vaccuum

Riding on a black stallion through the last wisps of night

Still moments shall never be repeated

And somehow will never be forgotten